Hail, and well met
I am new here and perplexing how I should proceed in this month's topic. I
thought perhaps by sharing excerpts from this journal with you all that I
came across (which led me here to your discussion group) that this month's
topic might be best addressed. Forgive me if it doesn't meet the
restrictions you have and I will understand if it is rejected. I have
deleted any mention of who the author is. But I do believe their are those
among you who knew him. I thought it was kind of dynamic and wish to share.
Cory
The Journal- selected excerpts:
Dec. 19
Mia left yesterday saying she's had enough of my shit. What did she mean by
that? I don't understand and she wouldn't talk about it. Didn't take her
stuff, said she only needed some time to think and would make her decision
soon. I got drunk last night and soaked all her blue-jeans in water and tied
the legs in knots. This morning I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't have
done that but I cannot seem to get the knots undone now. Oh boy, is she
going to be pissed when she sees that.
Dec. 22
The hospital called today and said Dad had passed away during the night.
Heart-broken... wish I would have been there.
Dec. 25
Ambivalent feelings towards X-mas. I like the good feeling in the air but
bad things always happen when I feel good. To tell the truth, I'd just as
soon skip December altogether. Staying drunk all day, that's the plan.
Dec. 26
Buried Dad today. God, I couldn't look at him laying in that casket without
seeing myself there. He didn't look peaceful at all. Just worn out. Why is
death so cruel? Why is life?
Dec. 31
End of the old, start of the new. Gotta be better than last year. Went down
and bought new pants for Mia after failing to undo the knots I tied in her
old ones. Still haven't heard from her. Worried.
Jan. 7
Gave notice today at work. Can't handle the constant yammering of my
co-workers. Christ, its just the same thing over and over and over again
until I just want to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP! What's wrong with me? Why
can't I fit in anywhere?
Jan. 16
Officially unemployed, once again. Got enough money stashed to last a couple
months plus several pounds of high grade pot I grew last summer that I can
sell. Should see me through until summer. Wanna be a writer but nothing I
write comes out like I mean it to. Who's gonna pay me to write when I can't
even speak my mind?
Jan. 20
Heard from Mia, finally. She called from Tucson where she's staying with an
aunt. Said she doesn't know when she's coming back, or even if she's coming
back. Asked for money. Sent her $500 and told her she'd better get a job
because I'm no longer working and that's the last money she'll see from me.
She's officially pissed at me now.
Feb. 2
Signed up with a discussion group about Robert M. Pirsig. Seems rather
intriguing and I am looking forward to sharing my point of view with the
others.
Feb. 6
Why do words upset me so? After sending several messages to the discussion
group I just joined, all I received were nasty replies or silence. What's
wrong with me? Why can't I seem to get along like everyone else?
Feb. 10
Received several apologies from the discussion group today and feel a little
better. God, was I down about this stupid discussion group! All I've done
the last few days is wonder why no one understands what I am trying to say?
Nothings getting done around here. The house is a disaster, the cat's litter
box is overflowing and all my laundryy is dirty. Dishes piled everywhere and
trash is close to knee deep on the floor.
Feb. 16
Went on a job interview today but now I'm feeling that I don't want it, even
though it went very well and I am expecting a call back.
Feb. 20
Turned down the job offer today. Don't know if I should have done that but
my motivation seems to be slipping away, almost as if it were a thief in the
night. Wondering why I was ever motivated in the first place. Always for
someone else but never for me. And now there is no one else.
March 4
Found out Mia raided the checking account and took my last $600. Rumors of
someone else in her life. Guess its really over. I closed the account and
opened a new one in my name only. I am so naive to have trusted her.
March 15
Everyone in the discussion group either condemns me or praises me but no one
seems to want to talk to me. Why? What am I saying that is unclear? Why can
I see clarity in others writings and yet cannot convey it in my own? Am I
the stupid one to think I could ever earn a living by writing?
March 29
Been spending way too many hours on the net. Christ, it seems that is all I
do any more. Haven't seen anyone in weeks other than the clerk at the gas
station where I buy my cigarettes and the delivery boy who brings my pizza.
Gotta break out of this malaise.
April 7
Can't pay the mortgage this month. Gonna try to refinance the place and
claim I am self-employed. Don't know if it will work but I have no other
choices right now.
April 16
The refinance worked and I am in good shape now until fall. Breaking out of
my internet rut to do my pre-planting groundbreaking. Dropped out of the
discussion group after getting frustrated with several especially obnoxious
members.
April 27
Can't stay away from the discussion group. Ideas are flowing in my mind all
the time. Re-subscribed today and spent from morning till dusk writing
several messages and getting stoned.
May 5
Who am I kidding thinking I can be a writer? Only myself I suppose.
May 7
Mia called today saying she thinks that she made a mistake by leaving. Is
she just feeling depressed or does she really mean it? Should I get my hopes
up that she's really coming back? God the place is a mess. It's gonna take a
week just to get it ready to clean up.
Promised to send her another $500.
May 16
Some of the other members of the discussion group have corresponded with
Robert Pirsig. I wonder why they would feel moved to do that when I myself
do not. Christ, if I sat across from him at the dinner table I doubt we
would say two words to each other. Yet there's definitely a connection there
to his words. Why am I like this? Why can't I just be like everyone else?
May 25
Called Mia today and a man answered the phone. I hung up without saying
anything. Shocked and shakey-handed now. Wondering if I am the biggest
goddamned fool ever born on this earth. Gonna get real drunk today.
June 1
Planting is going well. Already have as many plants in the ground as I
planted all last year. Developed a back-pack watering system to keep from
lugging around a bucket of water all the time. Slipped a flexible 5 gallon
water jug in a backpack and ran a hose from the nozzle. Man, I'm stylin'
now. Ought to market it.
June 14
Been very depressed and can't seem to shake it. Writing even has lost its
glitter for me. All I do is sit in front of the TV and smoke dope. Watching
movies over and over again until the acting seems to be just acting and all
flavor is lost. But still I watch.
June 21
The days will start getting shorter now and its time to do my serious
planting. Wish I had a partner to share in all the work. I've got poison ivy
all over my hands and my arms are all scratched up from briars. Plus my dick
itches terribly since I always piss on the new plantings. Got poison ivy on
it too from my hands. Bummer. And it takes me all day just to water the
plants I already have in the ground. But that's only once a week.
June 28
Talked to my brother about being partners but he refused. Grows his own and
has spoken in the past about having partners but I guess he doesn't want me
for one is what it boils down to. I am hurt but I didn't let on to him that
I was. I guess I understand. I wouldn't want me for a partner either if I
could help it.
July 4
Back to writing now. Every waking minute that I am not with my plants. Days
all run together and I can feel the season of summer blooming all around me
as I walk to check on my plants. Life is good.
July 14
Mia called today wanting more money. Got in a fight with her over who
answered the phone when I last called. She claimed it was her friend's
husband. I feel her lying though and pressed her about it. Shouldn't have
done that I guess. She's not coming back. Hell, I wouldn't come back to me
either. Sent her $500 because I felt guilty then realized the check is going
to bounce. Out of money again. What am I going to do? Not just about the
money. About my life. This rut I am in seems so deep that I can see stars
way at the very top of it. I got no skills, no education, no career. All
I've done my whole life is go from one menial job to another. And here I am
close to 40 and it's all shit. All shit. Everything I have ever done is
shit. I've let down everyone I have ever known in my life. Everyone. No
wonder I am so alone.
July 17
Something is happening. I cannot really put a finger on just precisely what
it is, but I feel closer today to the Pirsig discussion group than I have in
a long time. Actually since I've joined. Oddly its not directly because of
the discussion group itself but rather because of certain other members who
have written to me privately. These conversations are much more enjoyable
than trying to break through the constant barrage of messages from all the
others. Maybe there really are other out there who are like me.
August 2
God, it's been a roller coaster ride the last couple weeks. Reading my last
entry I can't believe how naive I was. I got served with divorce papers this
morning, my hand shaking as I received them from the deputy sheriff who
delivered them. And those people who I though might understand me in some
fashion have turned out to be just like everyone else I've ever met. Full of
themselves. Perhaps I am just like them too and only fooling myself into
thinking I am any different. Money is short and I need $1000 for a lawyer
now. Don't know what I am going to do so I just write and write the hours
away. No job, no prospects for one. Motivation in that direction has
completely subsided. Two days a week I water my plants and two days I plant
more. Have over 400 out now. Looking at some serious trim time when harvest
rolls around. But the deer will get at least 100 of those, they always do
take about a quarter of the harvest. Gotta just hold out another couple
months, that's all.
August 22
I am so irritated with this stupid discussion group. Why, oh why did I ever
think I could make myself understood to others? Christ, there's professors
and executives and people with phd's there. What the hell was I thinking
when I thought I could discuss Pirsig on a level playing field with these
people? I got no clue how to do that. Why is this discussion group so
important to me? Why don't I just drop out and leave them alone? Why do I
keep going back? Oh God, I must be so ignorant looking to all of them and
the ones who don't say so are only humoring me.
Sept. 15
Took in my first mature plants today and I am happy. Already got that batch
sold as soon as it dries. They cut off my electricity yesterday for non
payment and I had to go next door to my neighbor and ask if I could run an
extension cord from his house to mine. At least I have my computer and my tv
plugged in. The hell with everything else.
Sept. 21
Got a private e mail message from a man in Germany today concerning one of
my posts to the discussion group. He told me how much it brightened his day
and in doing so he brightened my own immeasurably. Now I know why I joined
that stupid discussion group and even if I never write anything of value
again in this or any other life, at least I've reached one person. I feel
very good today about myself.
Oct. 5
Got a call from Mia saying that she thinks the divorce is a mistake. I don't
understand what she is doing to me. I dream her almost every night and then
I wake up and realize she's not here. Sometimes it hits me in the middle of
the day and I will go to the closet and smell her clothes still hanging
there and she seems so close. Can't seem to shake this feeling of
non-motivation. Maybe it's the dope being particularly good this year.
Staying stoned from waking till passing out.
Oct. 18
Money is rolling in. Made over $30,000 already and I have over 20 pounds
left yet to sell at $3200 a pound. Investing in mutual funds and filling out
my IRA. Wondering though if what I am doing is right? Clearly I am breaking
the law of the land yet I am hurting no one, only providing a commodity for
which others will pay handsomely and of their own free will. Where is the
wrong in this? I can't see it.
Oct. 31
Halloween. I keep my lights off so they don't bother me. Haven't left the
house now in weeks. Just have everything delivered. Haven't dressed either.
Just wander from bed to computer to Tv in my robe and back again to bed.
Losing all track of days. Only know its Halloween by the little date on my
computer. Means nothing at all to me any more.
Nov. 9
Finally hired a lawyer and gave him a retainer. Decided to move and called
Service-Master to clean the house. They charged me $1200 but hell, it was
dirty. I can't stay here any more. Too many memories. Looking at a place in
the country and I have cash money for anything up to $100,000 between the
equity in the house and the money I have stashed away. No house payment will
be nice.
Nov. 21
My sister called and invited me to Thanksgiving dinner but I begged off.
Can't be with other people right now. All I am doing is drinking again from
morning to night. Why do I go through these endless cycles of repetitive
self-destruction? Why do I push everyone away who tries to get close to me?
Why do I treasure my solitude over all else in this world? God I am hung
over today.
Dec. 11
My mother died on this day thirty-some years ago. Can't seem to remember
exactly what year that was now, '64, or was it '66? Should visit her grave I
suppose and refresh my memory. Very depressed again as I am every December.
I can feel something bad coming my way though I can't say exactly what it is
yet. But it's coming. When I die it will be December. Just got to make it
through this month and I will have another year ahead of me...
Dec. 16
Depression has deepened though my drinking has stopped, for now. Too sick to
continue. Nothing has any meaning, nothing, nothing. People call on the
phone and I don't answer, knock at my door and I don't open it. My
newspapers are piling up unread and I've dropped out of the discussion group
altogether. This is the first time I've turned on the computer in days. God,
I wish the sun would come out.
Dec. 24
Christmas eve. Serious thoughts of suicide tonight. A quick slice of the
wrist perhaps, or maybe just wrap a noose around my neck and lean forward
until I pass out and die. It will be simple and easy. Nothing left to live
for. But God, please let me make it through this night and maybe things will
look brighter in the morning.
END OF JOURNAL
How does this relate to this months topic:
"That's the whole thing: to obtain static and Dynamic Quality
*simultaneously*. If you don't have the static patterns of scientific
knowledge to build upon you're back with the cave man. But if you don't
have the freedom to change those patterns you're blocked from any further
growth." (Chapter 17, page 222, Bantam hard back edition.)
"What does Pirsig mean here? What does it mean for a real live person to
obtain both simultaneously?"
I am not really to sure how the journal answers your questions. But I think
that static quality is needed just as much as dynamic quality and that we
don't have to try and obtain both. We already have both. What we need to do
is to realize our potentials but to do that we need anchors that hold us
firmly to reality and keep us away from anything too constructive or
destructive to ourself. The middle path is the best path. Living with what
and who we are. The journal tells a story of one man who lost his anchors
one by one and slipped completely into dynamic reality, all the time trying
to cling to static quality straws that floated all around him just out of
grasp. Right to the end. That's the key to your answers I guess. Anchors
that hold us in place when too much dynamic things happen in life. That's
why families are important. And friends. And work. And love. To live both
dynamically and statically is to live a full life and experience pain and
sorrow and joy and happiness without letting them overcome your anchors to
reality. Seeing it happen in real life and feeling and experiencing it is
different than just conceiving it and talking about it and writing about it.
Maybe that's why I have such a hard time coming up with a concrete and
set-in-stone answer to this month's topic. I have tried though. What does
this man's journal say to you about your own life? That's what I have been
asking myself. Beginning this month's discussion Rocky talked of life and
wondered how to be more dynamically involved with it. Despite the
well-intentioned posts meant to help Rocky get his groove back, we all
already have our groove. We don't have to obtain anything when we already
have it. As long as we are alive, we have it.
I hope I have answered your questions.
Cory
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