From: Mark Steven Heyman (markheyman@infoproconsulting.com)
Date: Sun Dec 19 2004 - 23:02:58 GMT
Hi all,
Thought you might enjoy this...
It's going to be a fun fun year, 2005. And to better prepare
yourself for all the merrymaking here is a calendar of some of the
more delightful things to look forward to.
JANUARY 5: Bush announces that Iran, Syria, North Korea, Sudan and
Cuba all possess weapons of mass destruction, are an imminent threat
to the United States, have close ties to al Qaeda and the Taliban,
are aiding insurgents in Iraq, were involved in 9-11, played a role
in the assassination of John F. Kennedy and the attack on Pearl
Harbor, and are all "really bad guys".
JANUARY 21: 150 people at a PTA meeting in Des Moines, Iowa arrested
in marijuana raid.
FEBRUARY 15: Michael Moore assassinated by man named Oswald Harvey.
FEBRUARY 18: Oswald Harvey, while in solitary confinement and guarded
round the clock by 1200 policemen, killed by man named Ruby Jackson.
FEBRUARY 26: Ruby Jackson suddenly dies of a rare Asian disease
heretofore unknown in the Western Hemisphere
MARCH 6: Congress passes a law requiring that all persons arrested in
anti-war demonstrations must be sterilized. President Bush says it
is "God's will". John Kerry votes for the law but declares that he
has misgivings because there's no provision for a right of appeal.
MARCH 20: 11 nuns in Glad Valley, South Dakota arrested in marijuana
raid.
APRIL 1: Military junta overthrows Hugo Chavez in Venezuela.
Washington decries the loss of democracy.
APRIL 2: US recognizes the Venezuelan military junta, sells it 100
jet fighters.
APRIL 3: Revolution breaks out in Venezuela endangering the military
junta; 40,000 American marines land in Caracas to quell the uprising.
APRIL 14: ExxonMobil, ChevronTexaco, General Electric, General
Motors, Ford and IBM merge to form "Free Enterprise, Inc."
APRIL 16: Free Enterprise, Inc. seeks to purchase Guatemala and
Haiti. Citigroup refuses to sell.
APRIL 18: Free Enterprise, Inc. purchases Citigroup.
APRIL 30: Dick Cheney announces that the United States has discovered
large caches of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. "So all those
doubters can just go "F" themselves," he declares, displaying his
much-lauded new moderation in language. But the vice-president can
not provide any details of the find because, he says, to do so might
reveal intelligence sources or methods.
MAY 9: The Democratic Party changes its name to the Republican Lite
Party, and announces the opening of a joint bank account with the
Republican Party so that corporate lobbyists need make out only one
check.
MAY 11: China claims to have shot down an American spy plane over the
center of China. State Department categorically denies the story.
MAY 12: State Department admits that an American plane may have
"inadvertently" strayed 2,000 miles into China, but denies that it
was a spy plane.
MAY 13: State Department admits that the plane may have been a spy
plane but denies that it was piloted by a US government employee.
MAY 14: State Department admits that the pilot was a civilian
employee of a Defense Department contractor but denies that China
exists.
MAY 27: 16-year-old boy sentenced to life imprisonment in Mississippi
for smoking marijuana.
JUNE 5: President Bush delivers the John Ashcroft Distinguished
Emeritus Address on Separation of Church and State at Bob Jones
University, Greenville, SC.
JUNE 11: Homeland Security announces plan to take the DNA at birth of
every child born in the United States.
JULY 1: The air in Los Angeles reaches so bad a pollution level that
the rich begin to hire undocumented workers to breathe for them.
JULY 4: 12-year-old girl put to death in Utah for smoking marijuana.
AUGUST 7: Deserters from US military service seeking political asylum
in Canada now number 15,000. Declaring "You're either with us or
you're against us", President Bush issues a thinly-veiled warning to
the Canadian government.
SEPTEMBER 1: The draft is reinstated for males and females, ages 16
to 45. Those who are missing a limb or are blind can apply for non-
combat roles.
SEPTEMBER 4: Riots breaks out in 24 American cities in protest of the
draft. 100,000 American troops who are brought home from Iraq to put
down the riots ... join them.
OCTOBER 6: The Bush twins arrested in a marijuana raid on a DC disco.
OCTOBER 8: The Supreme Court declares all marijuana laws
unconstitutional, retroactively.
OCTOBER 19: Cops the world over form a new association, Policemen's
International Governing Society. PIGS announces that its first goal
will be to mount a campaign against the notion that a person is
innocent until proven guilty, in those countries where the notion
still dwells.
NOVEMBER 10: Military junta overthrows President Luiz Inácio Lula in
Brazil. Washington decries the loss of democracy.
NOVEMBER 11: US recognizes the Brazilian military junta, sells it 200
tanks.
NOVEMBER 12: Revolution breaks out in Brazil endangering the military
junta; 50,000 American marines land in Rio to quell the uprising.
DECEMBER 1: Supreme Court rules that police may search anyone if they
have reasonable grounds for believing that the person has pockets.
DECEMBER 25: US prison population reaches 2.5 million; it is
determined that at least 70 percent of the prisoners would not have
been incarcerated a century ago, for the acts they committed were
then not criminal violation
Best wishes to all for the coming year. Really.
Mark Steven Heyman (msh)
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